"Rehab Center For Fictional Characters" lyrics - BO BURNHAM

"Rehab Center For Fictional Characters"

Uh well, hello everyone!
Welcome to the Rehab Center for Fictional Characters
Um, alright
Let's just get right to it
Who wants to start us off?
How 'bout you Kris?

[Kris Kringle]
Um, alright
Hey, I'm Kris Kringle
I'm a sex addict

Hey I'm Santa Claus, I'm the king of snow
I hate my wife because she's a ho, ho, ho
She used to please me every day, then she made it clear
That Santa's only supposed to come once a year
Fuckin' bitch
Now I buy whores, rock and roll
And I stuff their stockings with my north pole

Okay Kris, thank you!
Alright, who's up next?
Patrick, frowny face!
Get up here

[Patrick O'Reilly]
I'm Patrick O'Reilly, I'm a leprechaun
You all doin' good?
Yeah, I'm not doing so good
I had a wonderful life, with a healthy household
And beautiful wife, and a pot full of gold... hah
Then my wife spent my riches all by herself, and since women are bitches, blew a Keebler elf... Ugh
Now I drink all day and a part of me dies
'Cause my wife's gettin' gang-banged by the Rice Krispie guys

[Tony the Tiger]
Hey I know them!

Oh, Tony, nice of you to show up
Where were you last week?

[Tony the Tiger]
I had some stuff
Hey, I'm Tony the Tiger
Uh, fuck it
I'll just sing

Every day I wake up, I get to work late
My boss says, "Hey, whats up?"
I say that I'm grrrrrrrrowing tired of this shit
The kids they laugh, 'cause I'm a sensitive cat
"Big pussy!"
I can't argue with that
If another kid gives me Frosted Flakes
I swear on my life I'll... eat his parents

Okay, Ton, thank you
Um, so that's everybody
So let's just get down to it, um
Oh, who are you?

[Easter Bunny]
Hi, yeah, hi, yeah, hi, yeah
I'm the Easter Bunny, hey I'm back!
Used to be funny, now I'm hooked on crack
Heaps of heroine ain't no joke, Marshmallow Peeps covered in coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke
Drugs for life, that's my plan, but now I have no attention span

Okay, I'm gonna go get him, alright?
You guys, just please play nice, alright?
I'll be back in a second, okay?

[Kris Kringle]
Hey Pat, did you hear? All my elves got sick
I think they got herpes from some Irish chick

[Patrick O'Reilly]
What are you laughin' at, Tony?

[Tony the Tiger]
I dunno
It's, uh
It's funny

[Patrick O'Reilly]
This is gettin' ridiculous
Santa, Tony, would you guys please stop?

[Tony the Tiger]
Oh, snap!

[Kris Kringle]
Crackle and Pop
Haha, 'cause they banged your wife

[Patrick O'Reilly]
I'm gettin' out of here
This is fucking ridiculous, huh