"Theoretical Dick Jokes / Statistics" lyrics - BO BURNHAM

"Theoretical Dick Jokes / Statistics"

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I wanted to also be a comedian. But, only one of those sort of worked out, so I'd like to try to do both, though, now in a bit that I call "Theoretical Dick Jokes." It goes like this:
My penis is so small that I have trouble finding it 'cause it's so greatly influenced by one mechanical fluctuation in the fabric of space-time. And, when I'm having intercourse with a woman, she can only know where my penis is or how fast it's moving because it's small enough and light enough to be fully-governed by the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. "I've got an eating disorder." Yeah,... more like nutritional entropy. So...
I never said it was funny, so stop staring at me
Segues are weird
How old is too old to stop believing in like the Tooth Fairy?... like twelve?
I have a cousin who is eighteen.... yeah.... still believes in gay marriage
I know what you guys are thinking: "Oh, Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects. You know. Is there anything off-limits... anything you don't find funny... anything that you think is too sacred to laugh at?" And, the truth is, there is:
... White people
I think we've been through enough...
I find numbers to be fascinating and, more specifically than numbers, I find statistics so...enlightening. You know... thought-provoking even. So, I've gathered some here, and these are all 100% true. When you leave this theatre and enter the world devoid of art, you can check these, and they will come back because they are true. So, I don't want to blow your mind or anything but maybe you'll hear one of these and go, "Whoa, I never thought of that!" You know? So, these are my statistics:
Approximately 33.33% of the Jonas Brothers have diabetes
One in every four kids with the initials A.D.D. actually has it, and four out of four kids with the initials A.D.H.D. has an annoying, self-righteous mother who wouldn't just shut the fuck up and take her husband's last name
Here's a fun one. One of every fourty-four U.S. presidents can dunk. It's fucking Millard Filmoore, you racists
The average child of Sarah Palin has 46.2 chromosomes
Can't get angry at the numbers, you know what I mean?
Here's a really interesting one. The average person has one fallopian tube
20% of the Jackson Five...too soon...
The average penis length is 5-and-a-half inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who Googles "average penis length" is 3-and-a-half inches