"Conspiracies (Poem)" lyrics - LOUDON WAINWRIGHT III

"Conspiracies (Poem)"

We don't believe in "You know who"
But we don't let the kids know it
We're parents, who are grown ups
There's a line we have to toe it

But we're part of a conspiracy
About this bearded big fat guy
Who isn't real, who never lived
Who's old, but doesn't die

We went to the department store
We climbed out on that limb
Told the kids that it was "You know who"
We said that bum was him

Then we placed them on his knee
To me, the knee seemed rather bony
Happily they sat though chatting with that phony

Told the kids we could provide the proof
Deceit, how I hate it
We put out the milk and cookies
Yes, I admit I drank and ate it

Then that fib about the North Pole
Is if any Elves could live there
We helped to write and send that letter
Knowing full well, it went nowhere

You know who comes down the chimney
How could such a fat man fit?
The whole thing is preposterous
Yet we get children to buy it
We have no shame, the lies pile up

You think at least we'd bark
When we sing of red nosed reindeer
And snowmen who dance and talk

Well it's just a harmless story
A fairytales and Christmas fun
Not unlike that other theory
The one about Gods Son

Where Angels talk to shepherds
Wise men troop after a star
And a Virgin has a baby
Boy that's fetched pretty far

But we adults buy that conspiracy
We toe and swallow that old line
Disappearing milk and cookies
What about that bread and wine?

It's enough to make you hesitate
It's enough to give you pause
Perhaps it's just as crucial
Kids believe in "You know who"